Twenty: a quiet turning point

I’m 20

I need a moment to reflect on my life, the messes I’ve made, the progress I’ve fought for and most importantly, the person I’ve quietly become along the way. These past few years have shaped me in ways I never would have imagined. There was a time when 20 felt like a distant grown up version of me but now that I’m here, I realize that I am not old. I am just unfolding.

Growth is quiet. It’s in the moment no one sees and the courage it takes to keep becoming.

I’ve never written a birthday article before mainly because I’ve managed to convince myself that I wasn’t a good writer. I struggle to articulate myself and consistency has always been my biggest challenge. I read a lot, I read to understand how writers think, how they structure their thoughts, how every sentence becomes a small piece of something bigger. I find so much beauty in that.

Back in secondary school, I had a teacher who noticed my love for writing. He encouraged me to take it seriously, to go deeper, to never give up on it. I wish I had listened more closely. Maybe life got in the way or maybe that’s just another excuse I tell myself when I struggle to stay committed.

The truth is, the mind is powerful. And I’ve always found comfort in putting my thoughts on paper especially since speaking them out loud has never come easy. Writing has always been my way of making sense of the world, and of myself.

So this year, I’m choosing to return to it fully, intentionally. I’m committing to the craft, to the process, to the ups and downs of it all. No more waiting for the perfect time. I’m ready to take writing seriously and see where it takes me.

Writing about my childhood is a bit challenging for me and I think that is completely fine because I’ve changed so much and it’s hard to connect with who I once was. I was just trying to survive school, fit in and trying to be liked. Maybe I’ve just grown so far past that version of me that I can’t recognize her anymore. All I know is that those years were heavy, even if the details are gone. That version of me was doing the best she could and I still carry her with me.

My mental health has deteriorated over the past few years. I don’t know exactly when things began to change. I started becoming self aware about things and people around me. My family wasn’t perfect, we had our share of storms. Some passed, some stayed… most stayed.

I’ve had my share of struggles with anxiety and depression. I won’t go too deep into it… some wounds are still tender, and healing is still very much a work in progress. But I will say this: there’s something oddly comforting about naivety. Sometimes, not knowing the weight of the world is a quiet kind of mercy.

I have also come to realize that I have a type C personality. I’ve realized I’m not always the loudest person in the room, but I tend to feel everything deeply. I overthink before I speak, not because I’m unsure but because I care. I like my facts clear and my emotions tucked in, even when they’re screaming inside. Conflict makes me retreat, not because I’m weak, but because peace matters to me more than being right and I’ve always felt like that is the way it should be… I might be wrong though.

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.- Helen Keller

Enough with all the sad stuffs!

On a lighter note, I’ve made meaningful friendships over the past years. I enjoyed the gossips with my friends and sharing memories and experiences with each other. Love, in all its forms stretched me this year. I’ve known connection, confusion, closeness, and distance. I’m not the same, and I think that’s a good thing.

I enjoyed the late night walks I took in solitude to think happy thoughts. These memories didn’t shout. They whispered, “You were alive, and it was good.” I hold on to them not for nostalgia, but as proof that joy found me, even when I wasn’t looking.

I’m also beginning to learn to leave in the moment, cherish things and be happy for the time being.

I’ll finish school this year and in as much as I am scared of what next, I am terribly excited for what the future has in store for me. 20 feels like that start of something bigger. Not sure yet but I’m ready and will meet everything with open hands.

I don’t have all the answers, maybe I never will. But what I do have is a little more clarity, a little more courage, and a growing willingness to keep showing up for myself. Here’s to 20. May it be messy, meaningful, and mine.

And suddenly, you know: it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.- Meister Eckhart

20 fragments of who I am

1. I love reading (although I’ve slacked a bit)

2. I love love. The kind that feels like home

3. I wrote a book when I was 7

4. I’m a huge fan of history. I’ve always been drawn to history

5. I fear I might be a bit two faced

6. I find comfort in music that breaks my heart a little

7. I’ve learned how to disappear in a crowded room

8. Some of my strength looks like softness

9. I’ve walked away quietly from people who would’ve never let me go

10. I have a twin but sometimes, I feel like I live in two shadows, mine and his

11. I fear being too much and not enough at the same time

12. I’m not bitter but I never forget

13. I remember the exact moment I stopped trusting certain people

14. I absolutely hate school

15. I love my mom

16. There is a place I visit in my mind when things get too loud

17. When people avoid touching me because of my hyperhidrosis, it stings more than I let on

18. I remember more by feeling than by fact

19. I’ve forgiven people who never asked

20. I’m becoming someone I might finally recognize

No way I’m 20!!!!!!!

“It’s been a long-ass road. Turning 20 years old and I just wanna go home… Can anybody help me find my way?”

— $oulbomb, “20 Years Old”